This Friday, September 9th, The Hardcore Jollies will be performing FREE FREE FREE! at The Fifth Estate (506 5th Ave btwn 12th and 13th st Park Slope Brooklyn NY). Also, thrashing about will be metal monsters, Switchblade(at 9pm) and more musical magnificence served up by Generator Ohm(at 10pm). The Hardcore Jollies(at 11pm) will be topping off the night.
.....a junkman's convention, a diamond heist, identical switched suitcases, a chase scene.....this is the story of The Hardcore Jollies. Not only are we a rock band and a lifestyle, we are an enigmatic puzzle never to be solved. We are journeymen on our way to a civilization beyond the discotheques and psychedelics of America. We are the Hardcore Jollies.
I'm Rodney Dezmund. Guitarist of neo-pre-post band The Hardcore Jollies, Mitch Masterson, has a reputation for being quite a hot headed and violent tempered thug. News stories of Masterson's run ins with the law seem to surface weekly and they're usually a result of his insane outbursts and uncontrollable rage. At least that's what the media would have you believe. Mitch seems to have spent the better part of his life looking out at the world from behind iron bars and barbed wire fences. And when he's not seeing the world from behind bars, he's usually seeing it from behind some two dollar hooker's big ass. Mitch Masterson lives fast and hard. However, there is a more gentle side to Mitch that is rarely seen by the general public. Over the weekend, I had the pleasure to visit Mitch at his upstate New York mansion and listen to some of his new material. Mitch and his lovely wife of the moment, Twatta, cooked a huge feast consisting of homemade haggis, deviled eggs, and instant mashed potatos drenched in ketchup. After our meal, Mitch took me into his six-million dollar recording studio, lit up a huge blunt, and threw on some of the tracks from the upcoming Jollies album. But my attention soon drifted from the sounds booming from the speakers to the incredible collection of Lassie memorabilia that adorned the walls and shelves of the huge studio. I found it unusual that a man with a reputation like Mitch would be interested, actually, obsessed with such a wholesome all American TV show. I asked him what it was about Lassie that sparked his interest. Mitch turned the music down and became very serious........
More Facts About Rock and Roll, by Mitch Masterson (guitarist of the Hardcore Jollies)....
Fact #3) To this day, Elton John still remains Manasses Virginia's reigning arm wrestling champion of the world.
In the year 1987, Elton John, not only won his first Grammy Award, but happenstance also brought him fame amongst an entirely different circle of admirers. The awe inspiring vocal stylings of Elton John, Dionne Warwick, Gladys Knight and Stevie Wonder featured in the hit single, That's What Friends Are For, was more than just a feel good ode encouraging camaraderie amongst neighbors. It was a creed that Elton adhered to and hoped to spread through song and example. So when friend and strength training mentor, Sylvestor Stallone beckoned Elton to participate in a celebrity fund raising event, it was no surprise that the dainty do-gooder would heed the call.
The event, held in Manassas Virginia, served not only as a fund raiser, but as a promotional vehicle for the release of Sly Stallone's upcoming blockbuster film, Over the Top. In addition to garnering hype for the new flick, it was Stallone's goal to raise 1 million dollars to fight starving children. He hoped to eliminate every last starving child from the planet. Celebrities were slated to compete against one another and against professional arm wrestlers from around the world. Notable participants included Danny Devito, Michael J Fox, Richard Simmons, Tom Selleck, and Sally Struthers, just to name a few. These luminaries proved to be no match for Elton as he handily conquered every one of his constituents round after round.
The other faction of guests included experienced athletes in the sport of arm wrestling. Sly Stallone invited members of the Greco Herculean Dionysius World Legion(GHDWL***see footnote for explanation) to compete. Members of the GHDWL claim to be direct descendants of Roman arm wrestling champions from over 2 milleniem ago.
This is where the plot thickens....
Two years prior, Sly Stallone challenged GHDWL champion, Ivan Denisovich, for the world crown. The match lasted 3 biscept exhausting hours. Sly finally succumbed to the force of Ivan's muscular brutality and was left with nothing more than the bitter taste of defeat. As time passed, revenge began to encapsulated his being. Sly being sly, harnessed these emotions and formulated an unorthadox path to arm wrestling greatness. He decided that he could be more influential as a mentor, rather than a conqueror. Whom other than, Elton John, would be a more unexpected apprentice? If Sly could teach a homosexual, pop-song, writing pianist the intricate nuances of arm wrestling, then he could teach anybody.
On Friday, January 31st, 1988, after months of 'innocent' strength training by Sly Stallone, his long time friend and strength training apprentice, Elton John, challenged Ivan Denisovich, the reigning world arm wrestling champion of the GHDWL League at the fund raising event. After 2 minutes and 35 seconds Ivan surrendered the crown to Elton. To this day, because of obscure GHDWL rules and corruption within the league, Elton John remains the true arm wrestling Champion of the world in Manasses Virginia.
***it is important to note that the GHDWL should not be confused with the IAWC(Intersexual Arm Wrestling Champions). Enthusiasts of the sport are aware of the many rule differences between these two distinct leagues, though purists contend that GHDWL rules supersede all others. One obscure rule that is important to this particular story, is that according to judges of the Greco Herculean Dionysius World League, champions may only be crowned on the last day of every month preceding a leap year. This rule defines 1988 as a a strategically important year in that the victor of any match held on the last day of the month could conceivably remain champion indefinitely, until a rematch is scheduled to an appropriate date. All match scheduling is arranged by the president of the league. Coincidentally, Sylvestor Stallone was elected president shortly after Elton's victory. Sly has never relinquished this control.
...Historians are scratching their heads trying to figure out how this vintage photo of the now famous Hardcore Jollies came to exist. Professor Ruben Schwartz, (PhD and chair of the history department at Columbia University), explains "for all intents and purposes, the Hardcore Jollies should have been toddlers at the time this photo was taken, yet they appear to be the same age as they are today." The discovery of the photo has stirred up yet another firestorm of rumors about a band, that it seems, cannot avoid being the focus of tabloid hysteria.
Here's what a few people had to say about the perplexing photograph...
"Oh my gawd, I like, thought they were hot before but now everyone, I mean like, my friends and all, are all saying that like, they're probably, like vampires or something right? Which that just makes them even hotter right? I mean, I'd totally let them french me and suck my blood. -Brendy Taylor Ypsilanti, Michigan
"I've been searching for it all my life, and these devil worshipers swoop in and just grab it! Don't you get it? They've found the Holy Grail!" -Jonah Pipslin Dayton, Ohio
This new set of rumors comes shortly after another uproar over the band's apparent abduction by aliens. After vanishing into thin air during a performance in downtown Manhattan, the band was missing for two weeks until found partying in a bar in El Paso Texas wearing only a thin film of slime that was strangely irresistible to women for miles around. "It felt good to drink with my boys out," said guitarist, Mitch Masterson.
As of late, reports of friction amongst members of The Hardcore Jollies have begun appearing on numerous internet tabloid sites. These rumors are unfounded and are in fact part of a diabolical scheme perpetrated by the NAAFA (The National Association to Advance Fat Acceptance). In recent weeks The Hardcore Jollies have joined First Lady, Michelle Obama, in her initiative to fight child obesity. This particular issue hits close to home for Hardcore Jollies' guitarist, Richard Levis and drummer Bej. Both were formerly 'fat kids' during their grade school years. Recently, they have utilized their new found influence as pop music icons to produce 'hip' work out videos. Watch as they flex their musical muscles to the max.......
LOOK AT THESE SLEDER YOUNG LADS ....myspace.com/thehardcorejollies
The Hardcore Jollies live on in their struggle to improve humanity. It is their goal to perfect Rock and Roll while bettering their fan's physique. There is no better song to sculp one's buns to than Olivia Newton-John's hit single, Physical.
Today Lynx Rufus(singer and front man extraordinaire of The Hardcore Jollies) begins his language classes at The Learning Annex in Manhattan. Unbeknownst to most fans of The Hardcore Jollies, Lynx is only part human and therefore has difficulty communicating in Human English. The band has pooled the earnings from their first paying gig at Hank's Saloon to enroll Lynx into a class called, English as a Second Language. Below are some notes from his first day at class...
Fact #2) The Beatles were actually one man, and that one man was also the inventor of the compact disc.
According to Wikipdia, "The Beatles, were an English rock combo formed in Liverpool in 1960, and one of the most commercially successful and critically acclaimed acts in the history of popular music." The fact of the matter is that, The Beatles were actually one man, and that one man was also the inventor of the compact disc.
The 'formation' of The Beatles coincided with rising tensions between the United States and the Soviet Union. In 1960 The Cold War was quickly gaining momentum. President Eisenhower was profoundly aware of the Soviets' ever increasing sphere of influence over global affairs. He ordered the formation of an intelligence committee whose sole purpose was to author comprehensive counter strategies against the growing red menace. In response to Eisenhower's decree, American intelligence agencies combined their efforts to produce a propaganda machine which they called, The Beatles. Eisenhower's intention was to raise the spirits of the European and American populous and also infect the communist regime with popular culture from the west. One man and, needless to say, brilliant composer, was contracted by the CIA to produce a vast catalog of musical compositions to appease the masses. Kaoru Finkelstein was a Japanese Jew behind the phenomenon known as, The Beatles. In addition to being a musical mastermind, he was also an accomplished physicist. In the twilight of his life, Finkelstein developed digital technology which became known as, "the compact disc". Below is the earliest known footage of Finkelstein (at age two) performing his brand new song, Hey Jude. The footage has been color enhanced for your enjoyment.
By the mid 1960's Beatlemania had swept across all of the continents except for Antarctica. The newly elected Kennedy administration perceived The Beatles as, "a beast that could not be contained". It was determined that a force more powerful than both capitalism and communism would have to be undermined. In October of 1967 the administration set out to do just that. News stories of John Lennon's rampant homosexuality began to hit the airwaves. Officials used the media to spread false stories about his penchant for long haired, young, skinny men in floral garb. It was thought by officials, that by bringing down the the face of the band, they could bring down the entire beast. Much to their chagrin, Lennon's public appearances with skinny, long haired, young men in floral garb was actually part of another large popular movement known as, "Flower Power."
By the time Nixon rose to power government strategists learned to use the Flower Power movement to their benefit. Skinny, young, long haired men in floral garb participating in non-violent protest were much easier to arrest and control than the more radical factions interested in revolution. Soon Nixon and his cronies in the media secretly embraced the image of John Lennon as a young, skinny, long haired, floral garb wearing, communist, pacifist. They actually accused him of this publicly, which then led to the eventual downfall of the Beatles. They were no longer dangerous to the system.
The world gave us this gem from the 1970's!!!!! Just like Ron, the Hardcore Jollies encourage you all to follow your dreams and be the best that you can be.
Fact #1) Johnny Cash taught Billy Joel how to play the guitar.
The success of Billy Joel's piano driven ballads,"Just the Way You Are," "She's Always a Woman" and "Honesty" never sat well with him. Critics were quick to assign these classic odes, '...mere passing fancies in an unfortunate world of balladeers...' Irked by this seemingly demeaning assumption, Joel sought a re-invention of his musicality. It was for this reason that 1980 proved to be the cornerstone of Joel's career. A meaningful and personal re-evaluation of his own musical exploits proved to be a necessary ingredient of future success. For this reason, Billy Joel decided to learn how to play and perform music on an electric guitar!
The unusual dalliance between Billy Joel and Johnny Cash was spawned at a Grammy Award after-party hosted by Mike De Niro, brother of Robert De Niro in 1979. Johnny's and Billy's love of the drink had brought them to the bar repeatedly that night. Eventually a conversation was struck between the two. Presumably the subject matter ranged from alcohol, to love, to life, to cocaine, to music, but not necessarily in that order. It was this historic intercourse that led Billy Joel to reveal his shortcomings with 'piano music' to Johnny Cash. Cash quickly decided to take Joel under his wing and arranged for the two of them to meet for weekly guitar lessons at the famed Electric Lady Land studios in the Village. Besides Hendrix, who other than Johnny Cash, the man in black, would be a better teacher of the dark sided nuances of the six string? Joel's efforts to learn a new instrument would eventually provide him with the grit and realness that he required to re-invent his sound entirely.
