This Friday, September 9th, The Hardcore Jollies will be performing FREE FREE FREE! at The Fifth Estate (506 5th Ave btwn 12th and 13th st Park Slope Brooklyn NY). Also, thrashing about will be metal monsters, Switchblade(at 9pm) and more musical magnificence served up by Generator Ohm(at 10pm). The Hardcore Jollies(at 11pm) will be topping off the night.
.....a junkman's convention, a diamond heist, identical switched suitcases, a chase scene.....this is the story of The Hardcore Jollies. Not only are we a rock band and a lifestyle, we are an enigmatic puzzle never to be solved. We are journeymen on our way to a civilization beyond the discotheques and psychedelics of America. We are the Hardcore Jollies.
Howdy Doodie folks, this is your Hardcore Jollies fan club representative, Edgar Darling, posting about the upcoming show. This Friday, September 9th, The Hardcore Jollies will be performing at The Fifth Estate (506 5th Ave btwn 12th and 13th st Park Slope Brooklyn NY). There is no cover charge so you can count on boozing it up and busting nutz with the band at a low cost. Also, thrashing about will be metal monsters, Switchblade(at 9pm) and more musical magnificence served up by Generator Ohm(at 10pm). The Hardcore Jollies(at 11pm) will be topping off the night.
In other news, bass player Stan Worsheckitisovichstsky, of the Jollies may be facing extradition to his motherland. US diplomats are fiercely denying charges of political corruption by Polish officials. If push comes to shove however, Stan will be shipped back to eastern Europe to face the music of a much less joyful sort. Come out this Friday to support and witness what may be Stan's last Jollies show for a while. His future legal status is uncertain. Let's show him some true blue blooded American love.
In an effort to broaden their audience, the Hardcore Jollies have conspired, against the advice of management and various label interests, to introduce more challenging concepts into the band's onstage repertoire. Tiring of the same ol' musical Kamasutra day in and day out, band members considered adding more musicians to the act. After many frustrating brainstorming sessions they somehow settled on the idea of adding a magician instead of a musician. Despite the obvious miscommunication, the band think tank set out on a painstaking search for a Master of the ancient art of magic to join their live show.
After months of voyage and adventure the international manhunt concluded deep in the mountainous jungles of Ecuador, where the Jollies were fortunate enough to locate a sorcerer amongst a tribe of indigents. Despite the uncivilized nature of these philistines the band was able to pick out a diamond in the rough. The dark, handsome and mysterious fella goes by the moniker, Captain Castillo Blanco, or El Serrano for short.
Below you can watch a video clip of El Serrano performing one of his most exciting tricks entitled,
In an effort to reach out to our fans and get to really know them one by one, The Hardcore Jollies are kicking off the summer with a new contest. Each month we will be choosing a Jollies Fan of the Month. Shoot us an email in 100 words or less explaining why you are the biggest Hardcore Jollies fan on earth. A finalist will be hand selected and his or her essay will be stored in our "archivos de meirda" time capsule. In twenty years we will revisit the capsule and analyze the essays of past winners. Their works will live on to tell the story of a generation of dip shits. We will also have our in house sketch artist complete a portrait of the winners.
This month's first winner is Julio "Dickface" Gomez. In his essay, Julio claimed that by attending Hardcore Jollies shows, his penis size actually increased by 10%, and that his face had become more attractive to women. We've contracted a team of scientists to confirm the validity of these claims and have found that this is, in fact, impossible. Julio is either delusional or lying. Well congratulations anyway for your time and efforts and awe inspiring fanship. Forever we will create music for you, Julio. Good luck in your life and god bless the man and woman who came together to create your being, without it we would have one less superfan.
A few weeks ago The Hardcore Jollies were privileged to be featured on the hottest internet program in town, Rew & Who. Check out our interview with this wacky dame on youtube........... Click here for part one Click here for part two
The following day the above photo appeared on Page Six in the New York Post. A gossip columnist mistakenly captioned the photo, "Brad Pitt on the set of his latest movie about a hunky bad boy cop who thinks that he IS the law." Editors were quick to add a correction in the evening issue, "Mitch Masterson, hunky bad boy guitarist for The Hardcore Jollies outside of planned parenthood in Chelsea."
The Hardcore Jollies would like to publicly congratulate their manager, Mr Rodney Dezmond and soon to be bride, Srilakshami, on the announcement of their engagement. We wish them happiness, fortune and good health for years to come. May their life together bear the fruits of fulfillment. When times are trying remember these words from Thomas Carlyle, "A loving Heart is the beginning of all knowledge."
Hello, my name is Mitch Masterson, guitarist for The Hardcore Jollies. Today I received a distressful email from a woman named Carol Stump. I have no idea who she is and how she has my email, but poor old Carol is in a pickle. She is stuck in Wales UK and had her wallet stolen and needs some money so she can check out of her hotel and return home. She promises to pay the money back when she returns. Maybe we can all band together to help her in a time of need. Here is a copy of the email she sent to me.......
'Hi, I'm writing this with tears in my eyes, my Fam and I came down here to Wales, UK for a short vacation unfortunately we were mugged at the park of the hotel where we stayed, all cash, credit card and cell were stolen off us but luckily for us we still have our passports with us.
We've been to the embassy and the Police here but they're not helping issues at all and our flight leaves in less than 12 hrs from now but we're having problems settling the hotel bills and the hotel manager won't let us leave until we settle the bills, I'm freaked out at the moment. ------Carol.'
There must be something that we can do. I'm not sure who else she sent this email to. It lists the recipients as 'undisclosed'. However her email address is... cllstumpf@yahoo.com .The picture above is not Carol, but I imagine that this is what the lady in distress might look like. I urge you all to drop her a line. In the name of good faith and of being born yesterday, let's all write an email and rally behind her cause.
Yesterday world renown music photojournalist, Chris Gersbeck, unveiled a series of candid portraits from The Hardcore Jollies most recent show at the Trash Bar. These photos capture the unbridled, raw angst and emotion of a Hardcore Jollies live performance. It was a privilege to be his muse for an evening. Check his website for info...... http://chrisgersbeck.com
The evening, however, later took an unfortunate twist. A thieving, Nazi, pedophile stole one of Chris's lenses straight out of the case while he was shooting the event. As of now, the lens has not been recovered. To the perpetrator of this crime, The Hardcore Jollies do not condone this sort of behavior at our shows. If we find you, we will suffocate you with a relentless barrage farts in your face.
Upon questioning by the authorities, investigators have identified a 'person of interest'. With the help of a sketch artist an image is available to the public.....
If anybody has any information, please contact The Hardcore Jollies ASAP.
For K-mart stockroom worker, Hector Martinez, last Wednesday began like any other day of the week. He awoke at the early hour of 6am with a hangover and a feeling of regret. While listening to traffic and weather reports on his clock radio, he trimmed his toenails and prepared for another day at the job. A coffee, a buttered roll, a shot of tequila and a bump of cocaine before his hour long subway commute from Coney Island Brooklyn to midtown Manhattan were all part of his daily routine. Once at work supervisors berated him for a variety of inadequacies. Body odor, lack of english speaking skills, and general laziness were the usual complaints. And like clockwork, everyday at 10am, Hector along with his spanish newspaper, El Hoy, made a timely morning stop at the lavatory to evacuate the fecal remains of the previous days feast of beans and rice. But last Wednesday was different from others. Whilst pinching a jalapeno popper from his poop shoot, Hector unraveled a handful of toilet tissue only to find that a type written note hidden within the roll had unfurled and fallen to the floor between his feet. It was a letter from the Marcal Paper Products president informing Hector that he was a grand prize winner. Below is quoted text from the letter that was unfurled....
Dear valued customer,
My name is Edward R Marcal III, president and founder of Marcal Paper Products. On behalf of Marcal Incorporated, I'm proud to announce that YOU ARE THE GRAND PRIZE WINNER OF OUR ANNUAL CUSTOMER APPRECIATION AWARD! Coincidentally, this year's award goes to the consumer of Marcal's one millionth roll of toilet paper product.
Over the years, we have awarded our consumers with cash prizes and exotic vacations. As a token of our appreciation for your continuing loyalty to our product, this year we have chosen you to be the lucky recipient of our 2011 "Keeping It Green" environmental awareness prize. We embrace our 'green' heritage. Marcal is a pioneer in the recycling industry, producing 100% recycled paper products for over 60 years. By supporting us, you are supporting a cleaner and safer environment for our children's future.
At our home office awaits a check for the sum of $565. To claim your prize please call our reward redemption hotline at (401) 992-4029. Please have the SKU numbers located on the barcode of this letter ready when you call.
We look forward to hearing from you, and thank you again for choosing Marcal.
Last week Mitch Masterson, the guitarist for The Hardcore Jollies, was asked by Marcal to present a jumbo check to the winner of Marcal's 'Keepin' it Green' award. Here is a clip from the ceremony as seen on Brooklyn Community Access Television....
After a long and arduous interview process, The Hardcore Jollies have finally hired a management company to represent the band's expanding interests in the music world. We are proud to welcome Mr. Rodney Dezmund to our family and are excited about this new partnership with Dezmund Enterprises. From our inception Mr. Dezmund has expressed a keen interest in the development of our band. It was his persistence that persuaded us that he was the man for the job. Any of Mr. Dezmund's apparent ties to the Gambino crime syndicate are mere conjecture and hearsay by the left wing media. Upon investigation the band has concluded that these rumors are completely false. Aside from his suspected mob ties, Mr. Dezmund is also the founder of the well known gossip website, Hotcomb Blogspot. We believe that his connections within the entertainment industry will propel The Hardcore Jollies to new heights. Click this link to see some other artists that Mr Dezmund has worked with in the past. Welcome, Mr. Dezmund.
Last night, ABC World News Tonight reported that the lead singer of The Hardcore Jollies, Lynx Rufus, has spent the entire month of January in New York Presbyterian's intensive care unit battling an unknown illness. For weeks doctors were bewildered by the peculiar symptoms of his condition. It was immediately clear that Lynx was experiencing abnormal hormone levels. An initial prognosis by doctors determined that Lynx's extreme mood swings and emotional outbursts were obvious indicators of the elevated levels of estrogen surging through his body. Additional symptoms included acne outbreaks, vocal irregularities and spotting in his underpants. Soon doctors were able to pinpoint the cause of his ailments.
Recent outbreaks of "The Bieber Fever" have been popping up all over the country and no one is immune. This trend is especially startling because of its increasing prevalence amongst musicians. When asked about Lynx's condition and its effect on the band, rhythm guitarist Richie Levi replied(in a soft gay voice), "I've had some pretty nasty things before, but its never stopped me from having two Fridays and a Saturday." Our reporters have obtained shocking video footage of Lynx's latest collaboration with today's biggest and brightest child pop sensation, Justin Bieber.......
